Biggest Fan Sweepstakes Is On!
 By CALVIN T. TIBBINS and CHIP KELLY

Calvin: Hello, Chip.

Chip: Hello, Cal. Why are we writing to each other like this?

Calvin: Because your dad has asked us both to write about the Biggest Fan Sweepstakes for this week’s column. By writing like this we know who is saying which words. Mine appear in bold where it says “Calvin” and your words appear in regular type where it says “Chip.”

Chip: I see. So if I use a different name the people who are reading might think I am someone else.

Calvin: I suppose. Let’s get to it. The Biggest Fan Sweepstakes has begun. One lucky fan could win a trip for four to the Daytona 500 February 16th – 19th. That means you plus three friends. If you don’t have three friends, you will after winning this sweepstakes!

Kevin Harvick: Oh no, I am so scared to lose to Chip Kelly. Sob, sob. He is a master game player. I wish I was as smart and handsome as he was.

Calvin: Chip. Stop pretending to be Kevin Harvick.

Chip: Sorry.

Calvin: Sweepstakes participants must be legal residents of the United States and 18 years or older to enter. If you aren’t 18 yet, tell your parents to go to Team Kelly Racing where they can read all about this exciting opportunity. You have until Jan. 27, 2006 to enter.

Joe Kelly: Chip never has to clean his room again. He can have all of the cookies he wants. I am a little bit chubby.

Calvin: Chip! You are not Joe Kelly.

Chip: Sorry again.

Calvin: The winner will be transported to and from the race, will receive $500 in cash and will get to attend a series of pre-race events with Team Kelly celebrities, which could mean me. I mean, it has to. Who else is there?

Tex Riggs: There ain’t a bloodhound’s chance in heck that horsnwaggling armadillo’s ever gonna yellow-belly his way like a sarsaparilla in a China shop on the 4th of July.

Calvin: Chip!!

Chip: I’m sorry. Won’t happen again. I promise.

Calvin: The winners will even be animated into a cartoon called The Kellys – personally, I don’t know what that even is – and can meet members of the cast and crew. Mental note: Run this by legal. I don’t think these people are real.

Calvin: I’m sorry for yelling at you Chip. It was wrong of me. I will buy you ice cream now.

Calvin: Chip!!! That was you saying that.

Chip: OK, Cal. Fine. Hey folks, please enter the sweepstakes and be sure to e-mail, call or IM your friends about it. Your odds of winning are fantastic. Team Kelly appreciates its fans and this is our way of saying “Thanks for sticking with us through the thick and thin. We couldn’t do it without you and we hope to see you in Daytona!”

Faith Hill: I would never go out with Chip. He picks his nose.

Chip: Cal!

Calvin: Sorry. Won’t happen again. I promise.

Chip: Thank you.

Faith Hill: Chip keeps a dolly in his tree fort.

The Rock: You were warned, Cal.

Angelina Jolie from Tomb Raider: Bring it on, little boy.

Chip: Angelina Jolie? Really?

Calvin: Uh, ha-ha-ha, enter the sweepstakes and win!

(Calvin T. Tibbins in the public relations director, and so much more, for Team Kelly Racing. Chip Kelly is Team Kelly owner Joe Kelly’s youngest son. They both hope to see you in Daytona.)